Forget me not
Thursday, May 26, 2011 at 11:34PM 
I suppose that my partial inability to remember is tied to my past of forgetting - it was easier to survive this way, and my memory must have taken a hike every time something violent happened. Amnesia, they call it. Any brutal memory was squeezed out, filed away, and disregarded as non-existent. Now I realize that this "squeezing-out" is part of my daily life, and frankly, it's very annoying. I would love to be able to hold everything in my head - as I come across it. But I can't. However many times I blink, that many times my memory refreshes, and whatever was just in front of me, has to be looked at again - to be remembered. Safe memories surface later - like photographs, crisp and clear, as if burned into my eyes. But ask me the name of the person that has introduced herself to me yesterday at a party, and I will stand and look at you, tongue tied. I will remember her face, the nuances of her jaw and the shade of her hair or the shape of her eyes, but her name or where she was from will escape me. Ask me about a recent book I read - I will remember the color of the cover, the graphics, the feelings, the story and what it was all about, but I will blank on the author's name or the name of the book. Ask me about my favorite movie, and I will start describing the atmosphere, the setting it was shot in, the costumes, the script idea, but I won't remember what it was called, or what actors were in it, or when it came out.
It turns out, I have an amazing visual memory, but every other type of my memory sucks. I would have to listen to something several times, before it will actually settle in my brain. I would have to see it drawn out as a picture, then it will be retained. I can go down some new road once and remember how to turn and where to stop, having it done only once, but I won't be able to tell you afterwards if it was North or South, what part of town it was, what street, and what number. I can talk to you about something, being very animated in the process, waving my arms and stomping my feet for emphasis, but if you switch the topic and ask me 10 minutes later what we have talked about before, I will freeze and won't be able to tell you. It's very frustrating, and I've learned to live by the calendar, to-do lists, reminders, and notes - on everything I do, everything I have to do in the future, and everything that is worth remembering. Unless I jot it down, it doesn't exist. I;m terrified of forgetting stuff.
My subconscious is still playing tricks on me. If deep inside I feel uneasy, unsafe, or am plain scared, I will forget everything that happened around that feeling the next day. This is, as you can imagine, particularly useful in conflicts. If I have a disagreement with someone, I can get all emotional about it, but when the other party asks me the next day what it was we have argued about - I will blank. How many times it gave my opponent an opportunity to tell me - this is exactly what you said, don't you remember? I would simply agree since I know my memory is shit, so I'd always think the other person's memory is better.
Another inconvenient trait that is memory related and often is typical for sexual abuse survivors is - not trusting your own memory EVEN if you think you remember stuff correctly. Why? Because when a child is abused and says something about it to an adult, the story is so beyond any social norms, that the adult assumes the child simply imagined everything, and the child is being told that she is remembering it all wrong. That is exactly my story. I have been told so many times that I am imagining things, that my memory is poor and that I shouldn't trust it, that I came to believe it. The combination of that plus the actual lack of ability to remember any facts whatsoever did the deed. With which I am only starting to deal right now. Which is rather curious and yet unique - in a way that I do freak out people when I remember someone only because I have seen them once - the sad part is, I usually don't remember where. But once I've seen a face, it is in my head forever. Once I've seen a picture, it is stored like a live photograph, ready to be looked at any time. Once I have seen someone do something, quietly, without explanation, I can repeat it step by step - and will remember it really well.
I'm learning to live with this, to ignore its weaknesses, and to capitalize on its strengths. Forget me not. And I won't forget you. The way your hair falls on your forehead, the way you slant your shoulders when thinking, the way your eyelashes glisten with tears when crying, the shape of your fingers, the lines of your profile, the color of your eyes. Never.
Photo by Courtney Carmody.
Reader Comments (2)
Are you describing my memory? It is absolutely incredible, I remember and forget the exact same things!!
I am glad you identify - this makes me feel like I am not alone in this :)