Bigger picture

If I’m trying to reach someone, and if that someone is quiet, I notice how I start inventing things in my head and obsessing over my first conclusion, but I forget to recognize that this is a very narrow view. I take it literally, and I look at everything from my own perspective, from what I know, from what I’ve seen or experienced myself. I never think that this is only one view. That this could be only one possible scenario, that there is more. It takes an effort to pull myself out of that thinking and open up the view, look at a bigger picture.

There is an immediate instance of life that is removed from my observation – like a snowflake that I never saw and therefore never knew that it melted. I can obsess all I want over a wet spot on the ground, not knowing what have caused it, not seeing what is around me, not lifting my head and therefore - being blind. It would never occur to me to think that it could've been a snowflake. A single one. And it would never occur to me that this could be only be part of the picture, and if I stand up and look around, I will see that it started snowing. But if I walk a little and look again, I will see that it is fake snow that is being dumped from nearby roofs. Artificial. If I lift myself a bit higher and look again, I will see that it is a scene being filmed for a movie, and I happened to stumble upon it. I will see that it's summer and there is no snow in sight - fake or real. I can look more, fly up higher and see that there is a snow storm brooding just a few miles away, an anomaly - something that will soon bury real houses and fake ones from the movie set. I can keep going here forever, inventing hypothetical scenarios, but what I really mean is – the same applies to people and behaviors and life in general.

If someone was quiet and didn’t answer me, it could have been that they are busy. It could have been that they wanted to, but have gotten distracted. It could have been that they never got the message, or that they got it but never read it. It could have been any number of reasons - but I can never tell for sure that I know what happened until I find out - and it is hard to pull my head out of the little hole I plant it in (and a pessimistic one on top of it) and look around. Imagine a bigger picture. Understand that time will show, that I will find out what I need - I only need to be patient and need to wait, to see, to look for the bigger picture. To let thing settle, let emotions sizzle and melt away, let time take a roll and flatten everything out - every doubt, every wrinkle of uneasiness. In the aftermath, I always find out that nothing was as I thought - which only proves my point. But it doesn't tell me why I invent the nearly death outcomes - why everything is so glowingly dark - due to my past, due to always waiting for a death threat - to be beaten - to be abused - to be taken advantage of - to have to turn off my body and my brain to survive? I wonder how many years it will take to understand that nothing is as scary anymore as it was back then, how many years will it take to know that I am not being abandoned if suddenly I haven't gotten a response back, within minutes. I am still being loved, and liked, and missed - even though there is silence when I reach out. I'm ok simply waiting - the world is not coming to an end, and life is not only black and white - there is a multitude of colors, and each and every one of them deserves to be savored. 

I seem to forget this simple truth, I seem to miss the bigger picture, to trust that I will be ok, that everything is ok. I get impatient and can't widen my outlook, dipping my head deeper and deeper, hiding, cowering. Crying, feeling alone, broken. Diving deeper into myself - afraid to look out. It takes an effort to actually breathe, to know I'm safe, to realize that all is good. I am making an effort. I try. I slow down, I distract myself, I talk to myself. And yet nothing is as exhilarating as hearing the response back - the one that I was looking for - suddenly life is good again - that is, until the next time I reach out. I hope I'll have bigger eyes and a quieter mind.

Photo by Square Eyes.